Thursday, 20 March 2008

ehds, Para Sa'yo 'To

My friends,

The idea of rearranging thought and conveying it to the concern individuals has been an intent I have after having spent one of the most remarkable years of my life. I need to tell all of you these things, these ideas, these feelings, so here it goes.

I’m a very unconventional individual I must say, I’m proud of it and It made me what I am today. I want to believe that I had lost the ability to render the right emotions or reactions in the apt time it is needed. I have, and everyday I try to regain it. So having said that, forgive the way this letter is done. I tried to make it as frank and yet heartfelt as I could. It took me days to start this just to give you an idea of how I struggled to make this possible.

I now know why elders tell the youth are impatient and idealistic. And growing up and maturing so hasty makes you want to cling fiercely to that idealistic self. That is what I am experiencing right now. I’m plunged to the real world I must spend the rest of my life with, reluctantly and diffident. I want to go back, you know the feeling of wanting to escape from where you are and when you do, wanting to go back? That is what I am trying to say. It is a daunting state but one of the nice things it brought me is this, the letter.

Some of you had been my friend since I can remember and some I met when we are in high school. I cant commit to memory how I got you as friends but I am profoundly grateful because you are. The time spent, the fun shared, pains endured, faults accepted, and all other silly things that made us what we are right now. I don’t have one memory of my high school without you people in it. And it hit me, my God; it’s been eight long years. These people had known me half of my life!

It is that long way back but I know there are still plenty of things left undone, for me, I am sure. I have done a great deal of unwise things that may have amused, pissed, marred, or even infuriated any of you back then. I am trying frantically now to shed light to those I can still recall. And I hope that by saying the thing I left unspoken be a means of you knowing why at some point, I am. Let me now reiterate these things…

I can be bitchy at times, well now, most of the time at least. I might have stated or assumed things that as a consequence of such error upset any of you. And asking forgiveness due to that is just plain simple. I still say that I have to find the person responsible for creating the word “sorry”. I remembered some one once told me,

Ano pa ang magagawa ng sorry mo, sabog na utak ko?!

I believed him on that. Para sa akin saying sorry is not a way of easing the pain of the one hurt, but easing the remorse of the faulty. The same way of saying “hindi ko sinasadya”, because there is no such thing as that. Every action has its responsibility. I am taking my responsibility on those things that I am asking your leniency now.

I am also hurt, badly as I remembered. This is the thing with You One and You Two, and unfortunately me. I believe I find it easier to get along with guys than girls. Siguro I’m really a flirt or maybe its just is, don’t worry when I find the answer I’ll tell you. And for not correcting those errors, I caused you all a great deal of anguish. I’m still enraged in myself for that. I never thought that I might be caught up in such a position in which I fully comprehend I have nothing to do with. It is a simple state that can be effortlessly resolved. And I can handle it; I know I can, if only someone believe.

I have never said anything so truthful all my life than that day I attempted to elucidate my side. And no one believed.

Being as arrogant as I am, I never attempted to seek help in the one person I know who can support my claim. I don’t know if you have any idea of how I strived to make sure you remain my friends even when all other said otherwise. It may sound that I am blackmailing but I feel I need to say it.

I can bear everyone’s indictments about me, to hell with them, all I want is that my friends believe in what I say. And you never did. And it is really difficult for me to grasp the full idea that you can do such thing to me. I felt then that I have done a lot of gaffe but I cannot believe that my friend, people I choose to be friends, never believed me. That’s what I felt; it’s not nice.

Not all of you are concern about this but still I want everyone to know. You cannot imagine the twinge of hearing your friends call you the pretender. I keep telling myself if I die because of this, I am the most dim-witted person I have ever known. And I cannot also think that the only person who can clear me never did anything. I am still at awe of how is it hard for that person to say I have nothing to do with it. Just as simple as that and yet it never happened. Maybe it is late to ask for an explanation but I will try to find the reason why things were. And for years I said that you would remain my friends because you knew a lot that I can’t risk anyone else in the world to know. And for the very first time I never trusted anyone. My friends in college used to tell me that I’m always holding back a lot of things, na kahit matagal na kaming magkakakilala they still don’t know me. Siguro this is the reason for that. Mabilis akong madala, totoo yon. And this taught me a lot, that I have to speak louder to be heard, hurt anyone if necessary. I have very warped emotional side; but as you can see I’m working on it. Now you know why I am what I am, someone that may be construed as bitter.

I say I’m not bitter, just guarded.

I can never again permit anyone to treat me as the lowest person in the face of earth as I have felt that time.

Being as such an assuming person as I am (most of us are), in time I have made thousand of situations where things that happened became logical and less agonizing. I said to myself they acknowledged my faults and endured it and I can do the same. I also thought that not all are involved or even aware these things happened and these are the people I valued the most, the people I stood by and fought for. And the way some of you valued the friendship that we have makes it much more harder to tear it apart, for them I stayed. Most of us when we went to college, went our separate ways, found the time and space to think, revalue things. Time really flew, way too fast. And I say, time wounds, all heal.

I’ve watch us grow, in our own way, together. Every time I’m with some of you there is always something new. And we passed collegiate years swiftly as always. I have never been at accord to all of as I have been those years. Maybe because hindi nyo naman ako lagging nakikita eh. I graduated. I took the boards, I passed, I thought… I have never foreseen it this way. I can never be grateful enough. That is the time I said to myself I would write a letter to each and every one of you, to say things, to say thanks, to catch-up. The first letter I wrote terrified the living daylights out of me. The truth really hits you hard and it falls like collapsing tent, unavoidable. That truth – I don’t know any of you. Some, I’ve been with since I was a baby and some since I was barely as I was and I have been spending time with these people and I DON’T KNOW THEM! And the events and circumstances that trailed made me think twice about our so-called friendship and at the same time made me so furious.

I never anticipated as day would come that I will hear words from a friend that is so unpleasant. I know that it’s surprising to others that despite of our personal differences; we still get by very well. It is one of the things we should be proud of; we adapt. And in spite of these differences, each of you earned my respect, as a person, and as a friend. I know that we are all flawed, who isn’t? I just can’t find a way to justify that a friend can consider one as a bad company. It is unconventional on us that we never put up with any erroneous doings one of our friends have done. But I don’t get the idea of why should we protect a friend from a friend which is also your friend.

We have a right to choose who we go with, it’s not always right but aptness of an act is a matter of self-choice.

It may be expressing opinion, nothing is wrong with that. My opinion in this one is, talk to the person, lay your concerns and let the person deal with it. I remember talking is not a thing to us. Don’t get me wrong; we talk. But after we already resolved the issue to ourselves and have already thought of a lot of angles to deal with it without getting blameworthy of this. No sense letting anyone hurt you, besides I made a deal with myself on that. you be the judge on this, if it helps you or just isolate you behind those walls erected to protect you. Against what… against your friends.

Another concern of mine is such an offensive issue. I never liked any your significant others. I say it then and I say it now. Maybe it’s the way they are introduced, maybe the way they act, maybe the way I know them, or maybe because of you. I can think of gazillions of reasons why, but I think it’s apt to say I never liked anyone for any matter. But that is not the issue here. Walang kinalaman ang opinion ko sa nararamdaman nyo. It’s a context I don’t understand and unwilling to tackle, so wag na nating pag-usapan. I cannot promise to be kind at all times but I can be easy. Ewan ko kung bakit kinatatakutan ng lahat na ipakilala ang kanilang mga “mahal” sa buhay. Ipakilala nyo, bukod sa pogi points yon dahil hindi nyo sila ikinahihiya, ‘di kami kumakain ng tao. Testing lang kung kakayanin nila ang vindictive minds na magigiting mong friends. Your friends have no right to judge but they have the right to know. Wala namang hindi nadadaan sa magandang pakikisama. Maybe they will pick on them, on their attitudes or physical attributes, ano ba naman ‘yong maasar ka paminsan-minsan. Para naman kayong hindi sanay. Lumayo na ang line of thought ko sa kaka-intro. This concerns you You Three! As if no one knows! My personal notes on this thing – wala akong pakialam kong sino man ang piliin mo. No doubt You Four has the homecourt advantage when it comes to us pero we do not decide for you. So you got a girlfriend, so what… big deal. Get back to me if it really just a girlfriend, I want to know. And I’m not asking you, I’m telling you! The issue is not that you have one, but how you got one? According to my most reliable sources, during my thanksgiving kainan (remember?), you said that you’re not ready for commitment right then and there. So ok lang hindi pala ready eh. A few weeks after, NEWSFLASH: YOU THREE IS MARRIED! Ayos lang kung may girlfriend, pero KASAL??? that’s flashy news! Hindi pa rin issue ‘yon eh, ang issue wala kaming alam. You never bother to tell us. Kahit na hindi sa akin, kahit kay You Four nalang. I’m telling this according to what I know and not what really happen. Kung may mali o kulang puede kang magpaliwanag. You have the right to change your mind, but you don’t have the right to hang us on a very blurry concept of your recent predicament. We want to know. I’m telling you now that it is easier to deal with pain if it is hurled to you face to face than to know it at your backs when you are the first one who must know. Kilala ko si You Four, mas madali niyang mao-overcome ang mga bagay na isinampal mo sa kanyang harapan. Ok lang sana kung hindi mo barkada si You Four. Kaso barkada mo eh. Don’t say that this wont affect us, sinong niloloko nyo? Madami ang nakialam, I’m one of them but we never decide what will be the end. If others decided to be quite and not say anything about it, wala akong magagawa. I’m not doing this not just for You Four, but for You Three also. Hindi kami ang mga tipo ng taong dapat mong patunayan ng pagkalalaki mo, I know you, since the day you yourself never knew who are you. There is nothing to prove. I therefore conclude: my guy friends are just good as friends not as lovers. Or are they really good as friends? Nakakaramdam ako ng masigabong pagtutol, alright not all. In the light of this discussions, don’t expect me to like her. She has nothing to do with it; It’s the circumstances that precede her that had gone wrong. There is nothing difficult in explaining things, paminsan-minsan patunayan nyo naman na nag-iisip din kayo! Be responsible to your actions. I think it’s necessary to say that no one appreaciates a good constructive criticism than the one giving it. ‘Di tayo perfect but there is nothing wrong in striving to be nice in some ways.

These are the things that made me think na kaya lang tayo sama-sama ay para patunayan sa iba na ‘di nga tayo magkakahiwalay. Like what I thought na to avert others from seeing my mistake, I covered it up by staying friends with all of you. Now this I am saying to all of you, hindi ako nagpakapagod sa loob ng walong taon para lang sirain nyo ang matagal kong pinahalagahan. Maybe at first it’s just pride but later on I realized that I have you all because we choose to be together. I’m proud of being one of your friend and having you all as my friends. Kahit pa ano ang ginagawa nyo or kahit kayo na ang pinaka-dreadful na taong nakilala ko. I want to believe that our friendship is beyond gender, religion, social position, and financial status. Attest to me I am right.

I believe that what’s lasting doesn’t resist time but wisely changes with it.

We attempted to change with time; we barely made it but still WE MADE IT!

I repudiate to accept the fact that we are fooling ourselves for eight long years. As fiercely as I refuse to accept that this friendship is over.

These are just my thoughts, my opinions. They are mine alone. These got me into thinking, view the forthcoming, rearrange priorities, value some overlooked points of view, I hope these serve you as well. I take responsibility of what will be the outcome of this piece of my mind, something bad always happens when I share my thoughts. I am eager to sit down and talk if part of this confuse anyone or just to shed light in some of the things you too want to convey. I know that some will feel awful, about this or towards me, after reading this. Talk to me then. I appreciate you calling me names right to my face than that on my back. As this is filled with lessons I have learned, it may also be filled of faults, for that I asked your cordial consideration, for I am human and nothing human is alien to me.

I give you the right to do whatever you feel is necessary for this letter. What I am right now is a product of much struggle, perseverance, and faith. What I am is because you are.  I regard you all as a part of me etched profoundly enough to cause a scar, a scar that without refute I am willing to have for the rest of my life. I hope you feel the same.

Mahal ko kayong lahat.


p.s. nalimbag ang obrang ito dahil ayaw nilang making sa “polka-dots” speech ko! Makatotohanan ang mga nakapaloob dito baka akala nyo joke lang… uhmhuh… bakla wari.

In-case maisipan kong dagdagan ito, you will receive another letter! Isn’t it fun?               

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